Dead Spaces

“Dead Spaces” – the abandoned House of the Bulgarian Communist Party.

Pictonaut challenge story for February 2013.

Dear Journal,

Feeling pretty lonely today. Lonely and cold. Seriously, it must be like minus 13 in here at least. I dunno. I got no way of telling exactly.

So very lonely but not so bad that I’m useless and frozen up. I’d say it’s about a 5 out of 10 day. Halfway on the scale is good. It isn’t one of those days (and I hate those days. Those days can’t be allowed to happen and I’m determined that I won’t let ‘em happen). There are positives – no powercuts lately and I found some tinned tuna earlier. It wasn’t as rancid as the fish I found last week so that’s a plus. Take the plusses. Take ‘em and hold tight to gratitude for the mercies and good bits. You’re strong and you’ve got plusses and the Dream to keep pushing you on.

As well as playing up the plusses I keep trying to cling to that sweet sense of wonder and that precious silence. This is why we came out here – for the fresh silence. No more noise. Fresh space for the Dream away from the old world. The Dream didn’t fit the old world. I didn’t fit there either. I’m happier here than I would be there. There’s peace in this silence. It sometimes feels like I’m drowning in isolated quiet and and gets to me, but I’ve got to ignore that and focus on the positive. Remember the Dream. Remember what brought me here and what I’m living for. Absolutely yes. I’m alive. I’m living the Dream.

I’m feeling it a bit today, that double-edged sword of silence. The solitude can be beautiful and seconds later it can be brutal, cutting me up in different ways. I’m happy and then horrified sometimes all at the same time. Confusing but I can handle it ‘cause I’m strong. The challenge is to keep coming back to the euphoria memories and that peace every time the clouds of despair start coming down. I’m doing well ‘cause they haven’t clouded my conviction even if they got to everyone else. The doubt and cold and loneliness aren’t going to kill my Dream. I’ve still got the Dream and I’m gonna hold on to the Dream.

It’s a beautiful Dream. It will always be a beautiful Dream. I am still living my beautiful Dream.

I’m alive and I have my Dream but they don’t it any more. But you know what? Forget them. If their dreams are dead, well, I feel sorry for them. I’m not dying and neither is my Dream. I’m alive and I’m keeping the Dream alive just by being alive. Where are they? Dead. Maybe not actually physically dead but their minds and souls are. They left me but I’m better off without them if they don’t believe and if they can’t cling to the Dream. I hope they can manage to survive in the old world. The old world will kill them. I’m so much stronger and happier here.

Yes, concentrating on this helps keep me determined and keeps me going. Defiance is powerful. They went against the Dream and dropped it but I refused to conform to their weakness and lack of resolve. The Dream is more powerful and it makes me more powerful. Pitiful is what it is and pitiful is what they are. Cowards and deserters, dead and weak.

It’s funny – when the last few of them left (I don’t want to use their names anymore, Journal) someone said that this place was “like living in a graveyard”. Another – I’ll call him “Bitchface Faithless”, always scowling and complaining about how hopeless everything is – said “yeah, and we’re gonna die here in this dead space”. Graveyard and ‘dead spaces’? No, the dead spaces are their hearts and heads. They don’t have the Dream anymore but I’m keeping it alive and I’m still alive.

These spaces may be silent and cold but they are definitely not dead spaces. As long as I’m here alive and keeping my Dream alive that will continue to be the truth. Even when there are powercuts and it’s perishing frozen there’s still life and a Dream that won’t die.

When we arrived they said this place was dead but we brought it back to life and I’m not giving up or giving in. I’ve been here too long to just give up the Dream. It’s kept me going month after month and it means so much more to me than I guess it did to them.

I’m not going to let discomfort, some darkness, cold and loneliness kill the Dream. They’ve left my Dream behind and turned their back on the utopia we planned but the spirit is still alive inside me. I still have the Dream. Unlike them I’m free and I’m so much happier and stronger being here in solitude than I am in old world society. Don’t they remember what that culture did to us? Don’t they remember how beautiful it was to follow the Dream and build that Dream right here?

You know, it’s funny to think that this place was abandoned by everyone ages and ages ago just like everyone abandoned me and the Dream. We’re still here though. We stay strong and continue to live on. You can see from the structures and decoration that this was built to be something special and meaningful. You can tell from the wall frescoes that there was desire and grand ambition. You can tell from the immense scale. This was something important that was erected by inspired dreamers pursuing a beautiful dream full of hope and optimism.

I have no idea why the people of the past abandoned it and left it alone in the wilderness. People give up too easily, I guess. But I’m not like other people and I’m driven by the same kind of Dream and determination that produced this place. I’m carrying this spirit on and I’m keeping the Dream alive. This building isn’t a dead space and my heart, mind and soul aren’t dead spaces. Death comes when you give up. Death is the old world and they can have that if they want. They don’t really want it. They’re lying to themselves. They killed their own truth and were just too weak and afraid to carry on and live the Dream.

It’s a beautiful Dream. Hold on to that and hold on to the plusses. I’m tired and cold now Journal so I’ll finish this up here. Until next time, I’m staying strong and I’m staying alive keeping the Dream alive. Others gave up on it, gave up on this place and gave up on me but I’m stronger and more determined than them.

I’m free. I’m living the Dream. I’m alive, the Dream is alive and I’m holding on to it.

Gratitude for mercies and good bits. Hold on to the plusses. I’m living the Dream.

X

 

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