Malmö Mysteries: The Big Questions of Eurovision 2013…

Saturday night television is a terrifying experience that bombards you with challenging questions and leaves you with minor cerebral trauma. This weekend wild rampaging question marks came flying thick and fast like crazy. The box baffles, bamboozles, bedazzles and brainscrambles you, blows your mind and and leaves you bobbing like a goldfish, open-mouthed, awestruck and only able to utter phrases that end in “?”.

You were watching BBC1 on Saturday night, right? (I watched Saturday night on Sunday morning on BBC iPlayer ’cause that’s how we watch TV these days ’cause we are Techno-Techno-backed Masters of Time and Audiovisual Space, awww yeah. *presses red button*) It was the series finale of Doctor Who and that was a shock of suspense and surprise that subsequently inspired the masses onto internet message boards to try and work out what it all meant. There are many questions and too few answers. Nonetheless, I’m not overly concerned with the Doctor Who enigmas. I’m mainly caught up in questions around Saturday night’s other epic televisual event.

The Eurovision Song Contest 2013, comrades! It is beautiful and baffling. I’m glad that this blast of kitsch theatricality and celebration of music and human spirit comes back every year. We need showpiece events like this to remind us of the important things in life (love, friendship that transcends all boundaries, artistic expression, zestful silliness) and watching Eurovision “feels like I’m flying, like if I had wings, like I am sailing on a sea of dreams…”

Even so, Eurovision is also slightly disturbing. It’s got this weird infectious energy and I think I’ve got it caught in my system to the point that several days later I can’t stop thinking about it and am still humming “Only Teardrops“. It’s also got me in the grip of anxiety and riddled with questions, more so than the Doctor Who climax.

Seriously, the secrets of the Universe may be harmoniously hidden in this whole mercurial shabang. There are subtexts and strange mysteries in every song – and the ceremony as a whole, in fact – and each individual entry probably deserves an academic essay of its own. I don’t have the time or energy to do that though (the contagion has exhausted me and I’m reeling) so instead I’ll simply raise a few of the riddles that really stand out from Saturday’s continental popstravaganza.

In case anyone else out there is similarly curious/infected or can provide theories or answers, here are some Eurovision questions that are driving me (literally) insane…

Ukraine: Where did the 7ft8in giant go? What became of this mighty titan and his feathery headpiece after he carefully set Zlata Ognevich down upon her spotlit rock?

Lithuania: Where did Andrius Pojavis get a pair of shoes called “Love” and “Pain”? Which one is left and which one is right? The wearing of these shoes appears to be significant and problematic in his love life so why doesn’t he just opt for different footwear?

Greece: Why is the alcohol free? Where are you getting the free alcohol, oh happy Koza Mostra men? Shouldn’t we be taxing this alcohol to try and stimulate the utterly-smashed Greek economy?

Romania: Cezar, can you bite me so I can became a Grand Opera Dracula as well?

Finland: “Whatchu waiting, whatchu waiting for?” Hey hesitant lover of the outstandingly desperate Krista Siegfrids! Where is her proposal? When are you going to marry her and allow her to fully enjoy her anti-feminist fantasy?

Malta: What happened to Jeremy (he works in IT and “likes his rigorous routine… risk assessment is his investment in a life of no surprise“) when he followed the oh-so-distant manic pixie dream girl (“she’s spontaneous indeed, uncertainty’s her creed, and she has always been neither black or white, just a curious delight“) into tomorrow?

Armenia: how did Tony Iommi – the Black Sabbath guitarist and thimble-fingered god-like genius who invented heavy metal – come to compose this thing for Armenia? Anyway, to the questions asked in the song itself (and it’s a song made out of questions): ” Who’s the one that starts a war? Who’s dictating what is less and more? Who can change the night and day? Who’s the one with clever face? That can tell us what is in the space?” Skipping to the chorus: “Lonely planet, who has done it? Who can save you? Who can stop it? Lonely planet, who has done it? Who can save you? Who can stop it?

Denmark: “Eye for an eye, why tear each other apart? Please tell me why, why do we make it so hard?” On to the chorus: “How many times can we win and lose? How many times can we break the rules between us? Only teardrops? How many times do we have to fight? How many times till we get it right between us? Only teardrops?

Russia: “What if I could change the path of time? What if I had the power to decide? What if I could make us unified? … What if we would open up the doors? What if we could help each other more? What if I could make you all believe? … What if we all opened our arms? What if we came together as one? What if we aimed to stop the alarms? What if we chose to bury our guns? Why don’t we always reach out to those who need us the most?

Dina Garipova believes that “the answer lies within our hearts and minds” but she only came 5th which was sad ’cause she was my favourite (Denmark was probably my third favourite though so I’m not unhappy with the end result). I just don’t know. Altogether, I’m confused and am not sure that I feel very well. I’m going to go and lie down in a dark, silent room until the earworms and impossible questions go away. Erm… see you next year in Denmark!

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